The Logic of Jail

entry by Rain

At first I asked “why” a lot. Like “why would they put you in maximum security on a drug charge?” or “Why won't they give you toilet paper when you need it?”, or “why can you only buy junk food from the jail store?” or “why can't I draw pictures on your letters?” “Why can I only send postcards with pre-printed stamps” “why, why, why...” I expected there would be some sort of logical answer, even if I didn't like the answer, I thought it would at least be logical. But Paul always laughed and just kept telling me over and over, you can't ask “why.” There's no understandable logic behind 90% of their policies and procedure. It took me a long time to stop asking why.

I grew up thinking life was logical and somewhat fair. Dealing with the Georgia state prison system, I've had a rude awakening. The first night Paul was arrested, he tried to call me collect, but I didn't know how to put money on my phone so it wouldn't patch us through. It took me about an hour to figure out how to put money on my phone (apparently the only way to pay online is if you have the internet explorer browser. Don't ask me “why.” Who has internet explorer anymore!?) By the time I got my phone set up, I had no way to get in touch with him to have him try again. That was the beginning of my challenge in giving up control.

Every day all I can do is wait for his call. I'll either be available to answer or I won't. Sometimes he'll call when I'm at the top of a ladder rigging a rope for my next performance. Or he'll call when I'm in the shower, or in the middle of an important conversation with a friend. I can't email or text him, I can't tell any one to tell him to call me or to call back in 10 min. If I answer the phone it charges me for the whole 15 min phone conversation. So we strategize. We have systems. Sometimes the cops decide (for no apparent reason) to keep them in lock down all day or not to let them use the phones. And I may go all day without hearing from my love. At first this was really hard. My mind went to all the worst case scenarios...he got in a fight, he got thrown in the hole, he was transferred to another jail, etc.... But no matter what I'll always hear from him again at some point. And he'll tell me that everything's ok. And it really is.